So, you’ve met this guy, the dates are sizzling, everything seems to be going fine. He’s keen, the phone is ringing daily, texts are landing every other hour - then suddenly…
You're left scratching your head and texting your girlfriends with a hundred variations of “why doesn’t he call”?
One of the most common questions I get asked by single women who are finding dating challenging is “Why doesn’t he call, he seemed so keen?”. This conundrum is baffling to women, and given our tendency to over-analyse, over-think, and dwell constantly on the WHY, the hurt and confusion can last for weeks if not months. The silence and lack of answers lead us to invent ever more hurtful reasons for the break, and ultimately we tend to land on some variation of “There was something I did wrong” or worse - “There is something wrong with me”.
The solution to this problem is easy - it may not be what you expect, and is far simpler than you could imagine.
How we double the hurt
Handling dating rejection is not easy, and in this situation women often do a couple of things that really compound the pain:
They start contacting the guy over and over. They make excuses for his behaviour and convince themselves that if only they show him how much they care then he’ll “come around” and will realise what an awesome gal he’s missing out on. This is a one way street to looking impossibly desperate and will completely lose any respect the guy ever had for them.
They start madly dating a bunch of other guys to get an ego boost - usually unsuitable guys. Any attention will do, as long as they feel desirable again.
Both are what I call “externalising solutions” – looking for an answer “out there”, provided by someone else, outside of ourselves. The fact is that we cannot ever control what other people do, how they think, and how they feel. Yet we try. There is a much easier way to deal with the negative feelings that go with sudden silence from a guy, and the beauty of it is that we can do it in an instant and using only our own inner resources.
How to stop asking yourself “Why doesn’t he call?”
So when a guy stops calling we tend to choose the meaning most negative to ourselves. It’s a bit of a unconscious survival brain-fart: “Best to know what the worst possible danger is so I’m best prepared”.
The fact is, we don't know what the real reason for him not calling is. We CAN'T EVER know what the real reason is unless he decides to tell us and that is not going to happen in 99% of cases! Even if you asked him he would be unlikely to tell you the real reason, or may not even know it himself.
What we should be angling for is “Why should I care?”.
The golden opportunity in never finding out is that we get to choose why he doesn’t call. I mean, why not? If our thoughts are our reality, then dammit...let’s choose our reality! So choose a meaning that is helpful to you, and it can be anything you want:
He's trapped under a bookcase
He met someone else before you & decided it was the right thing to pursue that instead
He's quite simply too busy or there are other things demanding his emotions & attention
He liked you too much and got scared
He didn't feel good enough for you
You're just not his cup of tea, nothing personal, just a preference
He made a decision not to date that had nothing to do with you
He's a douche. That is all
He's in a coma / got amnesia / was lost at sea
Brilliant! No.8 applies & he's just made room in your life for Mr Right to show up!
All of these reasons can be both true and untrue until he tells you otherwise – you will never know – and in none of them is there anything wrong with YOU. Beautiful.
So let’s take control of how we interpret our experiences, and choose a kind and flattering world to live in!
I’d love to hear about your experiences with guys that don’t call back – did you become the crazy text stalker? Did you label yourself unlovable? Or did you choose to believe he was lost at sea? Add your comments or questions below.
Stephanie Chan is a Sydney based Life Coach, Dating Coach and Presenter.
Her passion is in working with people to improve self-worth, confidence & strength in all areas of their lives.
For daily tips, articles and insights, follow Steph on Facebook